Shiyin, China

I was born in a religious family, and I have many relatives who are preachers. From the time I was young, I followed my parents in believing in the Lord. After I grew up, I addressed to the Lord in prayer: If I could find a husband who believed in the Lord, I would offer myself up together with him in service to the Lord. After I got married, my husband really did believe in the Lord, and in fact became a full time devoted preacher. In order for my husband to feel at ease in his work for the sake of the Lord, and to be able to fulfill his commitment in the presence of the Lord, I actively undertook the burdens of running a household. Although it was a little bit difficult and tiring, my heart was filled with joy and peace no matter how much suffering I endured because I had the Lord as my support.

After 1997, I discovered that my husband no longer had much light he used to have in his preaching. When I got him to do some housework, he would always make excuses about being busy with his preaching work, and would often become enraged with me because of a few little things. I was resentful of my husband’s behavior and was no longer as perfectly happy to do the housework as I had been before. The difficult burdens of household life and the darkness of my spirit caused me to live in agony, but there was no one who I could turn to tell what I was feeling. All I could do was come into the presence of God and pray in the dead of night when everyone was asleep, and ask the Lord to give me more faith and strength. At the same time, I yearned for the Lord to return quickly.

One day in April of 2000, when I was arranging the clothes, I found my husband’s bag. I noticed that it was bulging, so I pulled open the zipper out of curiosity and saw that there were a Bible and a book of hymn inside. There was also a new book which was bound in an outer cover. I thought to myself: “How have I never seen this book before? It has to be some kind of reference book, or a book containing the experiences of some spiritual person. I have to read it, because it might be of some help to me.” Led along by my curiosity, I saw a title which read, “Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement.” “What a fresh and uncommon title!” I thought, “Judging by the title, refinement is not a bad thing! I am now in a state of refinement that is beyond my abilities, so I have to read carefully how he experiences refinement and thus I can find the way from within that.” At that, I began to read: “It used to be that people would all make their resolutions in front of God and say: ‘No matter who doesn’t love God, I must love Him.’ But now, you are faced with refinement. It is not in line with your notions, so you lose faith in God. Is this genuine love? You have read many times about the deeds of Job—have you forgotten about them? … When you face sufferings you must be able to not consider the flesh and not complain against God. When God hides Himself from you, you must be able to have the faith to follow Him, to maintain your previous love without allowing it to falter or disappear. No matter what God does, you must submit to His design, and be more willing to curse your own flesh than to complain against Him. When you are faced with trials you must satisfy God in spite of any reluctance to part with something you love, or bitter weeping. Only this can be called true love and faith. No matter what your actual stature is, you must first possess the will to suffer hardship as well as true faith, and you must have the will to forsake the flesh. You should be willing to personally endure hardships and suffer losses to your personal interests in order to satisfy God’s will. You must also have a heart of regretting yourself, that you weren’t able to satisfy God in the past, and be able to regret yourself now. Not a single one of these can be lacking and God will perfect you through these things. If you lack these conditions, you cannot be perfected” (“Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). I was reading and crying at the same time, as the words were saying exactly my circumstances. Before I had resolved to dedicate myself and my husband to the Lord, and that I would be completely content to do so no matter how painful or exhausting it was. Now, however, because of difficulties at home and my husband’s lack of consideration, I always felt that I have been especially wronged, living in a state of undergoing refinement, and losing the faith and love I had once had. I was unable to maintain the resolution I had made in the presence of God, and would often cry alone in secret. I thought about how Job was able to stand witness to God in the midst of such a great and arduous trial, and not lose faith in God, and had even said, “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21). How could I have forgotten that? I then felt deeply regretful about all that I had done in the presence of God: Others would rather suffer hardships and lose out on their interests and yet still want to satisfy God. I had believed in the Lord for so many years, but had lost faith in the Lord. I complained to the Lord while enduring refinement, and where did I express any love for the Lord at all? With this in mind, I secretly made the inward determination, that I could no longer be as I had been before, that I should support my husband in the work he was doing for the Lord, and that it was right for me to suffer a bit of hardship.

When I was thinking like this, all of a sudden I felt much better emotionally. I felt these words were very well spoken, and were able to get to the heart of my actual circumstances. I felt they were able to point out the way to me and cause faith and strength to unconsciously arise within me. I thought to myself: “Who was it who said these words? How was his knowledge so lofty? I have read some books written by well-known spiritual people, and although those books have been of benefit to some people, they were not written in as clear and elucidating a way as this book, nor one which possessed truth. Really, who was it who spoke these words?” I was drawn by this book to continue reading on, and the more I read the more I felt that these words were spoken so well. Each and every line spoke directly to my inmost heart. From these words I understood that no matter how great one’s suffering is, he must follow God to the very end. In the face of suffering, one must willingly submit to God. If one becomes weak in the face of trial, he should have faith, and rely on God to stand firm. The more I read, the more I felt illuminated in my heart and the more I had a way to put into practice. It was right then that my husband came home, and I asked him right away, “Where did you get this book?” My husband smiled and said, “I borrowed it from somebody, and I have to give it back to him soon.” I really wanted to keep reading the book, and I said, “I also want to read this book.” My husband said, smiling, “Then pray! God may make it so.”

One day, when I was cooking, I was listening off and on to some hymn my husband had playing, “Who is not adoring? Who doesn’t long to see God? … God once shared joys and sorrows with man, and today He has been reunited with mankind, and shares tales of times gone by with him. After He walked out of Judea, people could find no trace of Him. They yearn to once more meet with God, little knowing that today they have again met with Him, and been reunited with Him. How could this not stir thoughts of yesterday? Two thousand years ago today, Simon Bar-Jonah, the descendant of the Jews, beheld Jesus the Savior, he ate at the same table as Him, and after following Him for many years felt a deeper affection for Him: He loved Him to the bottom of his heart, he loved the Lord Jesus profoundly. How about us today? Today God has been reunited with mankind, and shares tales of times gone by with him” (“Two Thousand Years of Longing” in Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs). The lyrics of this hymn gave voice to my own thoughts and evoked my feeling of longing for the return of the Lord. I wept as I listened, and thought to myself: “Ever since I first believed in the Lord, I have thought of the Lord Jesus every day, and hoped that He might return more quickly so that I could share tales of times gone by with Him. These lyrics were so genuine and moving, and even more were able to express people’s longing for the Lord.” I then put down what I was working on and listened with full attention, hearing another hymn called “Seek Only a Heart That Loves God.” “I ask for nothing in my life but that my thoughts of love for God and my heart’s desire be accepted by God.” I thought, “Who wrote this hymn? How can his resolution be so great? This hymn is greatly motivating for me, and how pure is the heart that loves God as it says in the line, ‘ask for nothing in my life but that my thoughts of love for God!’” Before, when I believed in the Lord, I did not know to love the Lord, and just want to enjoy the grace, peace, and joy of the Lord. Today, this hymn greatly opened my worldview, and I saw the people who believe in God must love God, and they must not seek anything for themselves and only this kind of love can be pure. This hymn is well expressed. I then secretly resolved in my heart that I too wanted to pursue this goal, and that I would love the Lord no matter who didn’t love Him.

After reading the words in that book, as well as hearing those hymns, I then went to act in accord with those words. When my husband went out to work again and had no time to help with the housework, my heart wasn’t as distressed as it had been before. If the brothers and sisters had any flaws or mistakes in what they said, I could also forgive them for it, because I wanted to make God content. I wanted only to seek a heart that loves God like the hymn had sung about.

To be continue… 

 From： Eastern Lightning

Read more:

1. God’s word for today

2. Are Almighty God and the Lord Jesus One God?